Thinking....

I've been thinking a lot lately about where service comes into play in my life as a stay at home mom.  My Hubby complimented me the other day on how selfless I have become in regard to my Little Mover and how well I have adjust to my life not really being my own.  And it was hard- and sometimes I get selfish and angry because I want what I want and I don't always get it.....pretty sure we all have that- pretty sure it is human nature.  Anyway some how this lead me to thinking about serving others.  But mostly it is just life now and I wouldn't change it at all.
  I find it difficult to serve others well outside of my little world.  Sometimes I feel like my little world has enough problems staying together and "on track" to add other people or things.  But I don't think that is a right thinking.  I believe God is calling me to serve more than just my family.  Not that that is a little thing at all because honestly it is the hardest I think.  But when I need to refocus my priorities on God's proirities- serving others always seems to help that clarity.  God speaks to me best when I am focused on helping His people.
Which leads me to another question...how do I find ways to serve who God wants me to serve while being at home?  Number 1 I don't get out and meet people much, and number 2 the people I do interact with I just don't know if that is where He wants me.  So I don't have a lot of answers here today just thoughts.  I do feel and have always felt that I want to be an activist against injustice and I want to be a revealer of Truth.  I am so frustrated by this World- by the fact that people in Afghanistan are afraid to go out and vote because they may get blown up.  They have families- they want to see change for their families but are they going to risk orphaning their babies?  I am so frustrated with the state of Sudan over the last 10 years- to be a child growing up in fear and death.  Hate it.  I want to make a difference- right here in the lives of my family and friends, but I also never give up on finding an opportunity to make big changes in the world.   I don't want to live in a world population 1 I want a bigger God perspective. 

Cuteness and other random things

So I have decided (doesn't that sound important?)  that my son is so cute that if you tried to get a rating for him and plug all his cuteness into a computer it would come out with this conclusion:

!@#$%^%$#$%SDFGGFSDFG%$#@$ERSWDFDE$W$%^
*ERROR*

You want to know why?  Because he is TOO cute!  He would send the computer into a tailspin (remember that cartoon?) and it would crash.  Sad- but true.

Yeah sometime I worry-  oh ya know like mom's do.  That he isn't growing enough and is gonna blow away when the Wyoming wind starts blowing (too late it is blowing already).  I worry that he will not talk because he doesn't talk much now.  I worry because websites (that I have a love/ hate relationship with) say that he should be rolling a ball and pointing to body parts- yeah he has no interest in such things.

But in the end, when I am sitting on the floor playing with him and he runs ( I mean RUNS like he wants to tackle me) up behind me and wraps his arms around my neck and peeks his face over my shoulder and says "HI" in this high pitched little voice.  It is over-  the world can't handle this level of cuteness-  It is OFF THE CHART!  I know, I know, I am enamored what can I say.  Ya know what else is super cute?  When I hand him a graham cracker and he runs up to it with a HUGE smile and is SO excited- like "that is the coolest thing ever Mom"  I love it.  I love his personality- well I did marry his Daddy and they may be cloned...I am checking into the genetic probability of that=).

Anyways just want to say that...

and that there is no where you can go in this town without hitting construction.  I feel like I am back in Alaska.


and that Captain Crunch is a dollar a box and Albertsons..

and that I wanted to make something pumpkiny stuff today but didn't have any pumpkin and couldn't fine any in the store-- I guess it is still August...wish our Fall was longer or at least existed.

and I think I had a lot of parentheses in this post....I must be a little distracted today- who knows really?!

Goodbye Summer!

I know it is still hot and sunny and swimming weather but school starts tomorrow- not for me but for my hubby.  He(mostly) and I(a little)  have been hard at work getting him up and running in a new classroom and a new school.  It is stressful but we both have done it a few times already so that helps.  It is weird that everyone is stating this big new endevour and my life hasn't changed too much this week.  But I am still glad I am here.  I love my Little Mover more than anything and am so glad to be home. 

So...on a different note- today is a tough day for our family.  Today is my due date for a little one I miscarried 6 months ago.  I was pretty sure I had mourned and accepted and decided to trust God instead of becoming bitter and angry.  But it all came back the last few days.  I am reminded that trust isn't a one time deal- I have to keep choosing to trust that God knows better than me.  That he has a grand purpose for us.  I will probably never know why I lost that little one- but I have to be ok with that.  I recognize that some of my struggle is just my selfish desire to be in control.  I mean WHO the crap do I think I am??!!  What would I screw up if I was in control??  I don't see the big picture- I am not as compassionate and loving as my Almighty God!  No I really shouldn't have the control that I want- yet I still want it.  Oh we humans have issues! 
All week though I keep picturing what would be happening in our lives if we were about to add member to our family.  I would be pulling out the newborn clothes, discussing names with my Hubby, trying to pick up the Little Mover because bending down would kick my butt....yeah just stuff like that.  I am sad that my boy will not be getting a little brother or sister this week.  I have cried alot lately but am feeling stable today- which is good.
I have a feeling it is just one of those things that will always make me sad.  Even in trusting God and letting go of what I don't understand- there is still a sadness- a loss that I don't think will really go away.

I am daily thankful for this beautiful gift he has given me.

He has been so cuddly and loving this last week or so- with Hubby going back to school and me being a little emotional- he is so perceptive.  I love him.

So thankful for this great hardworking man as well..

What would I do without him??


As the Praise song goes...
Blessed be the Name of the Lord
Blessed be your Glorious Name
You give and take away
You give and take away
my heart will choose to say
Lord Blessed by your name

Blessed be your name when I'm found in the desert place
though I walk through the wilderness
blessed be your name

Every blessing you pour out I'll turn back to praise
when the darkness closes in Lord
Still I will say
Blessed be the name of the Lord

Thank you for letting me share...I felt like I just needed to put it out there and let go.
I have much I could share from summer but that will have to be another day.

"Your Baby this Week" 11 months 4 weeks

My son turns 1 a week from today.  I am completely overwhelmed- not by parties or presents..honestly I think it will be pretty small.  I am overwhelmed by how much my baby is growing and changing- right now- this minute- this hour this day.  It is madness.  This week he started clapping and I hesitate to say this even but WALKING!  I don't know if it qualifies but he can go about 10 steps.  They always end in a fall but he is so proud and excited he just giggles and claps for himself.  I love it.  I love it in a deep, heart swelling way.  It is beautiful and perfect and makes everything imperfect just fade away.  Right now we are in Spokane WA visiting my hubby's family.  Yesterday we witnessed an Ironman Triathlon.  IT was INSANE...the whole time we were walking around I was feeling every ounce of flab on my body move- yuck!  But it really was super impressive.
So I guess you could say this is vacation- we are staying at my hubby's mom's house- she is the best hostess ever.  I realize though that I don't know how to be on vacation with the Mover.  I have no real expectation so that helps but it is just different. Ok actually I do have an expectation.  I wanted at some point to be outside- quiet- without watching to make sure he doesn't but something in his mouth or fall off something...and right now I am getting that.  It is nice.  Both my boys are sleeping and I am just sitting on the back porch enjoying myself thoroughly.

Alright well I think I am going to look for a cake to make my boy next week and chill.

Just some pictures from the last few weeks. Love you all!

Getting back in the habit

I am posting again- crazy I know-  But it is finally quiet for a few minutes.  I am watching my friend's little girl who is 6 months.  Just for the week-  It has been good but interesting- my little Mover is NOT used to sharing his momma or yeah know not poking little girls in the eye or using them as a step stool!  Oh well it is good for him!

Ok...new thoughts on motherhood

Ok some peace in the middle of the day has come-  I think I will attempt to write my thoughts down.  So as my friend Heidi, who just had a little one, said "It is absolutely nothing I expected".  I feel a renewed level of that every day. 
I have a few confessions-  I never really glorified motherhood-  I had little siblings that I loved dearly and watched often.  I was pretty sure motherhood would feel a lot like that.  I also worried I would become a "stepford wife" as we used to call them who always appeared perfect (blah!).

Then I had my boy.  It wasn't instant but over the next few months I could feel my stress level increase.  I felt this burden of motherhood that I had no idea would be there- or how to cope with it.  It entailed a lot of:
"Is he eating enough?"
"Is he sleeping enough?"
"Do I cuddle enough"
But also a lot of  overwhelming feelings of failing.  Everyday I felt like a failure for one minute reason or another.  He didn't sleep through the night, my house wasn't clean, I hadn't found a way to make some money, I was annoyed with my husband, I wasn't reading my Bible.  Everything and anything.  It was depressing and overwhelming.  Now don't get me wrong I also have had wonderful motherhood times- like when my baby falls asleep in my arms or when I was consistent with something and it worked or made a rockin' dinner and my Hubby was impressed.  Ok so I am kind of lumping wifey things in this too I guess!

Anyways  I saw this in myself- my fears and insecurities but was having a had time overcoming.  Then I read this book called , "Supermom has left the building"

Just a short easy read about the Proverbs 31 woman.  I never liked her-  I think I already mentioned that, but it is true.  She was that ever elusive picture of a perfect mom.  No matter what I did I just wasn't that good!  We all have "Supermoms" in our lives.  This book reminded me that number one- I am not alone.  Many women deal with this.  And number 2-  There is not SuperMom!!  There are just lots of wonderful women trying to raise great children.  And she clarifies a little about at Proverbs 31 woman and how really she was just a godly woman and mom- not perfect.

God used this book to remind me that I am still me and He still desires my heart above all.  That as with everything I have freedom in in His hands. I feel a weigh has lift.  And maybe you are thinking- Duh Grace- you already knew all that stuff.  Yeah I probably did but I needed a revelation of it.

The book also goes through the Proverbs woman and breaks it down in a way that make sense in the 21st century.  Really I have learned a lot and wouldn't know where to start.

I know that motherhood will always have its endless concerns...how to disciple...when to potty train, when to date, how to teach,.....etc.  But I am so glad my heavenly Father knows these things- He loves my baby more than I do and wants him to grow to be a Godly, humble man.  It is good to know we are on the same page! 

So the last few weeks I have felt like I have been able to thoroughly enjoy my son more than ever.  I feel amazed that I can love someone so much before he is even aware of that love.  "While we were still sinners Christ died for us"  Just another parallel pointing me back to the One who has it all figured out.  I pray that He will continue to teach me to honor Him and raise my children in a manner that glorifies Him.

Isn't in funny though- I was all annoyed by Stepford Wives- and perfect seeming moms when I was single and not a mom- then when I was in the situation I still bought into the lie that I wasn't good enough.  How easily I allow myself to be brought down.
As for motherhood being like the love I have for my little brother and sister- whew- I love them- I do- but it is nothing like my own child.  Maybe you can't really understand some things to you are in them..maybe I should consider that in more aspects of my life. Humility is a key word for me lately.

*Sorry this is a little "all over the place" but I am out of time.

lately....

Just a little something we have been up to!

Oh and this...

But not to often....

And this whenever possible...

And hanging out at Grandma's house too!

Just a little of our lives to tie you over till I have more time and energy to write.  My boy is huge though and getting a great sense of humor- cracks me up.