I first was introduced to this is 8th grade from Mrs. McKay. I remember her saying that most people never reach self actualization. I looked at it and thought, "That is it!" "That is what I want! I want to truly understand myself- be confident in who I am and where I belong."
I still kind of think that. I realize now that God is a bigger part of that whole "self actualizing" business. But today I am explaining this to you in order to explain why I am a crappy blogger lately. I am and have been for a few weeks hovering between the 2 bottom rungs of this pyramid. The main reasons have been that I spoke too soon- the little Mover has not been sleeping well still and is cranky continually and we all went through this nasty cold. Those aren't all but they are the biggies. So when all you are thinking about is feeding your family, getting through the day with a shred of patience, and sleeping- blogging becomes pretty low on the list. The only reason I am doing it now is because my Hubby took the Mover out for a few hours- pretty much because I need to regroup...I didn't recognize this so much but my loving hubby did. Honestly I am having a hard time regrouping- taking a deep breath. Trusting God and remembering that he is there. So I am going to use this as a way to talk through life.
Today my Hubby and I listened to a sermon by Dan Jarrell, our old pastor at Changepoint in AK. It was on the Weight of Glory- by CS Lewis. I have read that but I was overwhelmed by the truth of his words. Have you ever just felt truth cut into your life with clarity? It reminded me that this is not my home- this is just the beginning and that as the first chapter of 2 Corinthians talks about- God knows we will have pain and struggle and loneliness but he also comforts us and USES that comfort to pour out to others. I have to admit thinking...really?? Are you sure this isn't all about me God?? Cause I sure feel sometimes like it is!
Though I have Christ in my life sometime I feel this need for something I can't really fathom- something greater- something I can't define because I do not have it in myself. Maybe that is the weight of glory, maybe it is just being homesick for a place you have yet to visit. I desire to live in the joy of Christ- especially in the low times- like now. When you realize what you knew in your head was true. That you truly do not have control. Like it says in Proverbs "A man's steps are directed by the Lord, How then can anyone understand his own way?"
A little part of this easy going girl (or at least I think I am) has always deep down thought I was in control. Yeah life didn't always go as planned but I always believed subconsciencely that is would end up how I want it to- where I want it to- and even when. A few months ago I lost someone dear to me. I had no control- but it changed everything. My life seemed so out of my control. I have said a million times that I know God is in control but to realize sharply and painfully that you have been lying to yourself for a very long time. Selfishly I was heart broken by my own realization. I still am a little heart broken and struggling to reshape who I am in Christ based on my heart and not my head...bit of a set back- but I know it was God's plan. He want me to pursue him genuinely...how can I do that when I don't truly believe that he is in charge? I can't.
Also I was proud enough to think I would just have this "mom" thing in the bag. Obviously I was scared and had my doubts but again I think deep down I said those things like, "my kid won't do THAT" or "I will have that taken care of by that age" . I didn't say those things out loud mind you- because I am pretty nice=) but I thought them. God knows my thoughts and they stunk. Now I am having to face the fact that I don't have a freaking clue some days and that my worth is not in being a perfect parent. I struggle with that though- I am overly sensitive because I am insecure at times. I pray God will help me through this too.
My life is so good- so many other people have bigger troubles- but I am realizing it doesn't work to ignore my own struggles. I need to give them to my Father in heaven- maker and creator- the One who guides my every way. He will comfort and teach. He will love and heal. I will emerge from the trials a little closer to "self actualized" because my worth and confidence is in Him- my sense of belonging is in Him- and he is the ROCK. And I am just a stranger that needs to focus on her homeland- and live like this is not the end-all. He is the end all.
I am sorry that this is so all over the place and maybe not as fun as it could be but I guess life isn't always fun. Through all of this though I praise God- for giving me a loving man of God, and beautiful son, and a wonderful extended family that loves and supports us. I am blessed. I pray that maybe now or in the future God will use my struggles and the comfort he has and will continue to give- to bless and comfort others.
"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of comfort, who comforts us in all troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have recieved from God." 2 Cor. 1:3
Thank you Father for never giving up on me- even when I am slow to learn.
Peace and Joy in Christ.
1 comment:
I have missed you...and have been thinking of you...know that I hear you...get some sunshine and kisses! smiles
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