Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Goodbye Summer!

I know it is still hot and sunny and swimming weather but school starts tomorrow- not for me but for my hubby.  He(mostly) and I(a little)  have been hard at work getting him up and running in a new classroom and a new school.  It is stressful but we both have done it a few times already so that helps.  It is weird that everyone is stating this big new endevour and my life hasn't changed too much this week.  But I am still glad I am here.  I love my Little Mover more than anything and am so glad to be home. 

So...on a different note- today is a tough day for our family.  Today is my due date for a little one I miscarried 6 months ago.  I was pretty sure I had mourned and accepted and decided to trust God instead of becoming bitter and angry.  But it all came back the last few days.  I am reminded that trust isn't a one time deal- I have to keep choosing to trust that God knows better than me.  That he has a grand purpose for us.  I will probably never know why I lost that little one- but I have to be ok with that.  I recognize that some of my struggle is just my selfish desire to be in control.  I mean WHO the crap do I think I am??!!  What would I screw up if I was in control??  I don't see the big picture- I am not as compassionate and loving as my Almighty God!  No I really shouldn't have the control that I want- yet I still want it.  Oh we humans have issues! 
All week though I keep picturing what would be happening in our lives if we were about to add member to our family.  I would be pulling out the newborn clothes, discussing names with my Hubby, trying to pick up the Little Mover because bending down would kick my butt....yeah just stuff like that.  I am sad that my boy will not be getting a little brother or sister this week.  I have cried alot lately but am feeling stable today- which is good.
I have a feeling it is just one of those things that will always make me sad.  Even in trusting God and letting go of what I don't understand- there is still a sadness- a loss that I don't think will really go away.

I am daily thankful for this beautiful gift he has given me.
He has been so cuddly and loving this last week or so- with Hubby going back to school and me being a little emotional- he is so perceptive.  I love him.

So thankful for this great hardworking man as well..
What would I do without him??

As the Praise song goes...
Blessed be the Name of the Lord
Blessed be your Glorious Name
You give and take away
You give and take away
my heart will choose to say
Lord Blessed by your name

Blessed be your name when I'm found in the desert place
though I walk through the wilderness
blessed be your name

Every blessing you pour out I'll turn back to praise
when the darkness closes in Lord
Still I will say
Blessed be the name of the Lord

Thank you for letting me share...I felt like I just needed to put it out there and let go.
I have much I could share from summer but that will have to be another day.


ProudMom said...

Hmmm...I'm sad too. I love you.

Krista Koljonen said...

oh, grace, i had no idea. thanks for sharing, because i'll pray for you this week. thanks for the reminder of the words from job: "blessed be the name of the Lord." what a comfort for me in all circumstances in life!