Ok some peace in the middle of the day has come- I think I will attempt to write my thoughts down. So as my friend Heidi, who just had a little one, said "It is absolutely nothing I expected". I feel a renewed level of that every day.
I have a few confessions- I never really glorified motherhood- I had little siblings that I loved dearly and watched often. I was pretty sure motherhood would feel a lot like that. I also worried I would become a "stepford wife" as we used to call them who always appeared perfect (blah!).
Then I had my boy. It wasn't instant but over the next few months I could feel my stress level increase. I felt this burden of motherhood that I had no idea would be there- or how to cope with it. It entailed a lot of:
"Is he eating enough?"
"Is he sleeping enough?"
"Do I cuddle enough"
But also a lot of overwhelming feelings of failing. Everyday I felt like a failure for one minute reason or another. He didn't sleep through the night, my house wasn't clean, I hadn't found a way to make some money, I was annoyed with my husband, I wasn't reading my Bible. Everything and anything. It was depressing and overwhelming. Now don't get me wrong I also have had wonderful motherhood times- like when my baby falls asleep in my arms or when I was consistent with something and it worked or made a rockin' dinner and my Hubby was impressed. Ok so I am kind of lumping wifey things in this too I guess!
Anyways I saw this in myself- my fears and insecurities but was having a had time overcoming. Then I read this book called , "Supermom has left the building"
God used this book to remind me that I am still me and He still desires my heart above all. That as with everything I have freedom in in His hands. I feel a weigh has lift. And maybe you are thinking- Duh Grace- you already knew all that stuff. Yeah I probably did but I needed a revelation of it.
The book also goes through the Proverbs woman and breaks it down in a way that make sense in the 21st century. Really I have learned a lot and wouldn't know where to start.
I know that motherhood will always have its endless concerns...how to disciple...when to potty train, when to date, how to teach,.....etc. But I am so glad my heavenly Father knows these things- He loves my baby more than I do and wants him to grow to be a Godly, humble man. It is good to know we are on the same page!
So the last few weeks I have felt like I have been able to thoroughly enjoy my son more than ever. I feel amazed that I can love someone so much before he is even aware of that love. "While we were still sinners Christ died for us" Just another parallel pointing me back to the One who has it all figured out. I pray that He will continue to teach me to honor Him and raise my children in a manner that glorifies Him.
Isn't in funny though- I was all annoyed by Stepford Wives- and perfect seeming moms when I was single and not a mom- then when I was in the situation I still bought into the lie that I wasn't good enough. How easily I allow myself to be brought down.
As for motherhood being like the love I have for my little brother and sister- whew- I love them- I do- but it is nothing like my own child. Maybe you can't really understand some things to you are in them..maybe I should consider that in more aspects of my life. Humility is a key word for me lately.
*Sorry this is a little "all over the place" but I am out of time.